Easier to Run
by purplehairedwonder
Summary: Kurama reflects on the darkness and pain in his thousand year old past and how it has shaped his current persona.


**Author's Note:** This was a spontaneous undertaking. I was listening to Linkin Park one day and decided the song would make a good song-fic. I'm sorta stuck with ARUTS right now, so I thought I'd work on this to try and clear my head. I'm not sure I got my full meaning out, but it's more or less what I wanted. And yes, I've been doing a lot of one-shots lately, but I keep getting inspired, heh. Anyway, hope you enjoy, and leave me a review.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, nor do I own the song "Easier to Run" which is by the very talented Linkin Park.

* * *

_It's easier to run  
__Replacing this pain with something numb  
__It's so much easier to go  
__Than face this pain all alone_

Kurama sighed as he closed his bedroom door behind him. He leaned his head back against the wood of the door and closed his emerald eyes. He stood like that for several moments before reopening his eyes and studying his surroundings. His room was simple enough. His bed, a desk and chair, a bedside table, and a dresser were the main furniture. The pale light of the waning moon spilled through his open window. Without bothering to turn the light on, the red-head walked over to the window and looked out at the night sky. To his demonically enhanced eyes, the sky was filled with stars. He was able to see more of the stars than the normal humans, due to light pollution from the city as well as from the moon itself.

Kurama perched himself on the window sill, much like Hiei did when he came to visit. He stared out at the night sky, thoughts wandering. The celestial objects had a calming affect on his psyche, and lately some calm was what the red-head needed. His thoughts had been restless as of late, especially with Yomi's invitation to return to Demon World hanging over his head. Kurama knew he had to go, if for nothing else than to square himself with that part of his life.

_Something has been taken  
__From deep inside of me  
__A secret I've kept locked away  
__No one can ever see  
__Wounds so deep they never show  
__They never go away  
__Like moving pictures in my head  
__For years and years they've played_

_That_ part of his life. 'That' being his life as the legendary bandit, Youko Kurama. To this day, Kurama marveled at the changes he had undergone in his thousand-plus year life. He had gone from spirit fox to legendary demon to a dual human/demon existence, which included service as a member of the Reikai Tantei; he had gone from idol to traitor among demons. His past had been colorful, yet his life as a human did not exactly pale in comparison. He had friends today that he would not give up for the world. His teammates, Yusuke, Hiei, and Kuwabara, meant everything to him. Yet he had also had friends in the past. Yomi. Kuronue. Those two names stuck out the most in Kurama's mind and he grimaced. His parting with those two had not been on memorable terms, and that haunted his soul daily. Every time Kurama looked in the mirror he saw the haunted look that wad embedded in his emerald eyes, one that reflected the pain and wounds of his past.

_If I could change I would  
__Take back the pain I would  
__Retrace every wrong move that I made I would  
__If I could  
__Stand up and take the blame I would  
__If I could take all the shame to the grave I would_

Everyday that Kurama lived in the Human Realm, he felt he was trying to atone for the sins of his past. He had more than once thought of death as any easy way out, especially after the Dark Tournament, but he had realized living took more courage. He had his friends and they needed him. Just as he needed them. They had been his lifeline during his fight with Karasu, and even today they remained something of a lifeline for the fox when he was faced with a dark memory. The nightmares came less and less frequently anymore, but when they came, he reached for his lifeline, and it was there.

There were ugly horrors in his past that he felt he need to atone for, but felt that no matter what he did, he would never make up for all the life he took and those he wasted. He had been a demon and had lived the life of one. Today he was still the demon Youko Kurama, but he was different. He was no longer Youko, but merely Kurama. Though more and more often lately, he had felt a darker side of himself trying to resurface. He tried to suppress it, but it was inherent in his demonic soul, and he knew it wouldn't stay dormant forever.

Sometimes Kurama wondered how much he had really changed from his days in Demon World. He would like to think he was no longer the bloodthirsty, cruel, avaricious creature he had once been. But times like the Dark Tournament made him see he was still, at least in part, the demon he had once been all those years ago. He would never be able to be rid of his demonic origins and settle down for a human life. He would, in his soul, always be Youko Kurama. Until the day he died, and into judgment, he would be Youko Kurama, the legendary bandit, King of Thieves.

_Sometimes I remember  
__The darkness of my past  
__Bringing back these memories  
__I wish I didn't have  
__Sometimes I think of letting go  
__And never looking back  
__And never moving forward so  
__There would never be a past_

Yomi and Kuronue. Two marks on his soul he would never be able to forget.

In true Youko form, he had sent an assassin to kill Yomi, who had been killing many of their best men through foolish maneuvers. His brashness would cost many more lives if he had not been stopped, but Kurama had not been willing to do the dirty work himself. Instead, he had offered a reward, and an assassin had been sent; but he had failed, only blinding Yomi. After their separation, Kurama had not heard from his former ally until several days prior. Needless to say, that had come as a shock, especially the revelation that Yomi had come to power alongside Raizen and Mukuro. _A thousand years is a long time_, Kurama thought to himself wryly.

But then there had been Kuronue. He had considered Kuronue a true friend, a brother. They made an excellent team and had gained fame, or infamy, depending on the viewpoint, throughout Demon Word. But Kuronue had been killed in a raid on a palace in Demon World. After dropping his prized pendant in a forest of bamboo, Kuronue had been caught in a trap. Dying, he told Kurama to run and save himself. And that was what Kurama did. A day did not go by where Kurama did not feel a pang of guilt for not saving the bat demon from the trap and leaving him to die. He carried a bamboo seed with him at all times in honor of his fallen comrade. After that day, Kurama had never taken another partner, out of fear of a repeat performance.

_Just washing it aside  
__All of the helplessness inside  
__Pretending I don't feel misplaced  
__Is so much simpler than change_

Until Hiei. Kurama never thought his unsteady alliance with the fire demon would last when the first met, but soon after they became friends. Their friendship was filled with a deep caring that could never be expressed with words. In a way, it could be described as love, but not in the conventional sense. It was a love of brotherhood, a bond that could not be easily broken.

Growing up as a child, Kurama had always felt out of place in his human life. He had lived a thousand years and more with the idea of supremacy to humans, yet he lived as one. He had the wisdom of one thousand years in the body of a six year old. It had kept him from having a lot of friends growing up. He had always been different. But he had always put up the pretense of being happy, pretending the other children weren't intimidated by the depth of his eyes and the knowledge they held. Living in Demon World, Kurama had always been aloof, feeling superior to those below him. That aloofness translated into isolation from his peers.

But then he had met Hiei, and soon after he had come to know Yusuke. The Spirit Detective had saved not only his life, but that of his mother, and he had repaid the debt by saving him from Hiei. There was something about Yusuke that was likeable. It was easy to tell when he met Yusuke that he had not belonged while he was growing up either, and thus Kurama felt something of a kinship with the Spirit Detective. He had entrusted the boy with knowledge of his past, something he rarely did. Kurama trusted Yusuke with his life, and still did. With everything he had been through with the other Tantei, there was a bond there; that bond of friendship was something Kurama hadn't been prepared for. But he, Hiei, Yusuke, and Kuwabara shared those experiences and that bond. When he was with them, Kurama didn't feel misplaced. He could be himself around them, without worry of his secrets coming out.

_It's easier to run  
__Replacing this pain with something numb  
__It's so much easier to go  
__Than face all this pain here all alone_

But no matter how much he trusted the Tantei, there were some demons in his past he was not willing to share. They were his demons and he had to face them. Yomi. Kuronue. Karasu. Sensui. There were things in Kurama's soul that he did not think he would or even could share with the others.

"Taking my spot, are we?" Kurama looked down from the sky to see Hiei sitting in the tree across from his window, a small smirk on his face. Kurama offered a small smile to his friend.

"I was thinking."

"Hn. You're always thinking." Kurama shrugged slightly and looked back up at the night sky.

"I find the stars soothing," the fox said softly.

"Feeling stressed?"

"Maybe."

"Hn." The two demons sat in companionable silence for a time, realizing they probably would not have too many more chances to do this. Hiei would go to Mukuro while Kurama would go to Yomi. Kurama idly wondered how the bond between himself and the others would fare when they opposed each other in the war for Demon World.

"Do you ever regret it, Hiei?" Kurama asked suddenly. Hiei's crimson eyes widened slightly in surprise, but immediately the calm exterior returned.

"Regret what?"

"This. The way you live your life now."

"Always." Kurama twitched an eyebrow and turned to his friend.

"You're lying.

"Hn." A pause. "Do you?"

"Sometimes."

"But?"

"But, I know I have to move on." Hiei frowned at his friend, before standing up once more.

"You shouldn't dwell in the past, Fox. It only causes more pain," and then he was gone. Kurama stared after Hiei for a few moments with a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Maybe he wasn't as alone as he thought.


End file.
